Hello everyone. My name is Banji. First Son of Banke and Banji
I came out to Banke last week.
I wish I had the luxury of saying I didn’t know when the words spilt off my lips or the self-righteousness to say I spat them in the air because I finally wanted to “live my truth”, but unfortunately, that’s not why I stabbed her with those sinister words.
I did it because I wanted to hurt her.
We got into a heated argument about my new tattoos, and when you’re in a battle with the deaconess, you don’t hold back anything you can say to help you make it out with your dignity intact anything.
Banke is one of the most gifted artisans you’ll ever meet when it comes to the crude craft of cutting people down. She cuts with such a methodical technique that you might be tempted to admire it if you weren’t on the receiving end of her blade fashioned from your worst insecurities. I’m not exaggerating when I say Banke is like a Vampire that uses words in place of fangs. She can suck out your entire self-worth with less than a few words.
However, if you’re lucky enough to have crawled out from between her legs like my sisters and me, then at the very least, you can always count on an all-you-can-eat buffet of apologies at midnight to regain the lost blood.
My gym instructor warned me seriously against eating these late-night buffets.
Turns out eating late makes you gain weight, who would have thought?
He says her cuts and buffets are the reason I gained this stupid weight in the first place, and if I want to retain this banging shape I’ve fought long and hard for, I’ll have to avoid getting cut and eating at night. Hence why I had to stab Banke.
I have a feeling that wooden stake won’t be enough though, but for now, I’ll take this rare W.
Hey, you.
Yes, you don’t look back, it’s you I’m talking to.
Yes, you.
I saw you
Oh, did you think I didn’t see you? Lmao
You think I didn’t catch the slight protest your facial features briefly participated in when I said I “came out?”
Ahaaaa c’mon, don’t make that surprised face, you know what I’m talking about now!! If you’re going to be homophobic, at least do it with your full chest, it’s the barest minimum, what’s with the disguising?
It’s alright though, it’s fine, feel free to judge, we don’t judge here.
However, I think it would be in your best interest to hit the exit button now and leave this place as soon as is humanly possible for you.
Oh no, not because we have your home address and can help you make that ugly protesting look you had on earlier permanent.
No naw, Haba, we’re not monsters, I say this because this is Lagbaja’s Beer Parlour, a safe space and if you don’t have a big enough stomach or an open enough mind, then I fear you won’t enjoy your stay here.
I lost myself in talk and forgot to begin my session correctly, Lagbaja I’m so sorry, it completely skipped my mind. It won’t happen again, I promise.
Hello everyone, my name is Banji, and I don’t know what I’m doing here
As I was saying earlier, I came out to Banke last week.
I fear I have given you the impression that I was gay, I’m sorry about that, it was an intentional misdirection. I just did it to chase the imposters amongst us away. Don’t stop holding your breaths though, because I swear to you what I am is much worse than being attracted to male genitalia (at least according to Banke).
I’m an Atheist. Yes, I don’t think there’s an almighty sky daddy looking down on us from his throne room, and if peradventure there happens to be, he’s not who y’all think he is, I promise you.
Ahh, you want me to elaborate, don’t you? I can see some of you already salivating in anticipation of this seasoned soup that I am cooking. Sorry, but that’s not why I am here today, that’s not the soup Lagbaja asked me to cook, maybe some other time.
Why then did I waste your precious time with that unnecessary bowl of peppery appetizer then?
Well, l take foreplay very seriously, and I needed everywhere to be as wet as possible (with saliva, of course) because the topic of discussion is one that is of the utmost national importance.
Today I’m here to answer a controversial and much-anticipated question, a question that has plagued your thoughts and lingered in your mind since the first time I graced you with my presence.
Who really is Banji?
Do you guys remember the first time I came here and Lagbaja asked me to introduce myself to the group, and I cooked soft Ila alasepo for you guys?
I’m sure you’ve not forgotten, I remember the euphoria in this beer parlour that day, how you guys were licking your plates and begging for extra. Well, I got a hair dryer mail from Lagbaja shortly after that feast and let’s just say they weren’t too sold on my special delicacy.
They said I was “avoiding the question”, whatever that means, and now they’re making me reintroduce myself, so here goes nothing.
My name is Banji, the only son of Banke and first son of Banji.
- I know a demon from the pits of hell just softly suggested to you that you can call me Jnr or Banji Jnr. Please, I beg you, flee, flee from the devil and all her other appearances of evil. The consequences of calling me that won’t favour you. I promise
- Yes, all the names in my family start with Bs.
I have an older sister Bimpe and a younger sister Bola, the absolute love of my life
Remember when I said I was my father’s first son but my mother’s only son?
Some of you here must have put it together already, but for the less mentally privileged among us, let me explain.
On my 10th birthday, we found out my father had an entire family in Ogbomosho, and that was just the beginning of our journey to discovery.
At the time, I didn’t have a clue about what was going on, all I knew was there was a little commotion, some fighting and screaming among my uncles and aunts, but that didn’t stop the candy floss and ice cream from flowing, so I was quite unmoved.
Officially and documented, I have 2 sisters and a brother from the village woman in Ogbomosho, 2 brothers from Tutu and a Sister from Uju.
Uncle Bayo says we’ll meet the rest of my siblings at Banji’s burial.
What did Banke dearest do after finding out the man she has been living with for 10 years had a whole ass family outside?
Nothing, Absolutely nothing.
When she found out Banji was sleeping with the maid?
Nothing.
That’s of course If you don’t count the bruises, internal and external bleeding on poor Balikis that year.
Sigh, we’re digressing into my family drama already I’m sorry. This was supposed to be about me.
I’m a Die-hard Gunner, I was there when Viera lifted the Invisible’s trophy in 2003.
Save your banter for when your sorry excuse of a club is top of the table. For now, Respect.
I’m a little bit of an introvert, but I’m also a people magnet.
People just generally like to be around me, and while I don’t necessarily like people a lot, I like what their presence around me does to my ego. I’m significantly more attractive than average. How dare I blow my horn about my own looks? Lol. When you’ve been the most attractive person in most rooms you walk into all your life, it’s not that much of a big deal anymore. I promise.
I’m a material man, or should I say, Hedonist? Whichever one works for you. I’m a lover of all things carnal and vain; women, alcohol, weed. Anything everything. What’s the point of life if you’re not basking in the variety of all it has to offer?
In my opinion, I’m the perfect man, but for the sake of humility, I won’t say it.
I play the Piano, Guitar, football and women. Some of you might be shocked about my throat-cutting honesty, wondering what happened to the calm, unsure person who wrote about questioning his identity and possible MPD.
Two truths can co-exist
Oh yeah, I’m a feminist, unapologetically so. Oh Banji, how can you say you are a feminist right after you said you play women? Not you shamelessly displaying your lack of common sense out there for all to see. Sigh.
How does the fact that I like women and I struggle with commitment contradict my belief in the equality of both men and women? Sometimes I think some of you don’t know how to think, that’s your real problem.
This introduction is starting to get long, and I’m bored already. Lagbaja, I hope this is enough for you, if anyone wants to know anything else, let them ask away. I’m done for now.
Hello everyone.
My name is Banji, first son of Banke and Banji. Nice to meet you.
